


Apologies at 3 am

by raven_084



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Philinda - Freeform, dream - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 15:12:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7762723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_084/pseuds/raven_084
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson finds May in the middle of the night after a nightmare. However things are not always what they look like</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first fanfic here, I hope you like it! :)

It was late at night, he couldn’t find his watch but it was probably around one or two am. He could feel a presence behind his back, a figure forming at the corner of his eye. Coulson reached out a hand slowly to grab the gun he kept on the drawer of his desk, years of training kicking in. However after a few seconds he felt his body relaxing at the familiarity feeling the figure produced in him and he understood there was no danger at all. 

“Hey” he said.

His mysterious visitor didn’t say a word. The door closed behind them, he wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t been waiting for the click. 

“What are you doing here?” he tried again.

“Why are you not sleeping?” replied May.

Good question. He stretched in his chair, running one of his hands through his hair before answering. “I don’t know, I guess I couldn’t” Coulson shrugged. “And you? Is everything okay?”

May didn’t answer right away. She lowered her gaze to the floor, he could almost hear her struggling with the decision, telling him or walking away, as she turned around. However, instead of leaving like he had expected her to do, she just took a deep breath and then made her way to the couch.

“I was looking for you” she finally said, sitting down.

"Why would you be looking for me? We're having a meeting tomorrow" was his immediate answer.

The moment the words left his mouth he instantly wished to get them back. It was just a fraction of second, but he saw them hit May like he a punch to her ribs, hurt flashing through her eyes before her expression went back to blank. There was a time when she would to come to him late at night to talk or watch a movie together. There was a time when he would have known exactly what the problem was without even having to ask. There was a time when they had been close. 

But now... he could see her standing there, so close but so far at the same time. She was wearing grey sweatpants and an oversized dark grey shirt with the Academy logo on it. He remembered May borrowing it from him after a mission what felt like a lifetime ago, back in those happier days. Without her combat clothes and the extra centimeters her boots gave her she seemed way smaller than usual. Fragile even.

"Nothing" she murmured, standing again.

"May, wait" he said. He closed the folder with the file he had been reading and put it back in the drawer. He would get to it tomorrow. Tonight he had more important issues to worry about. "I'm sorry, I'm tired, I..."

"Then get some sleep" replied May sternly. He cursed himself under his breath. She had come looking for him for a reason, but he had pushed her away. Lately it seemed like everything he did to her was that.

"No, please" Coulson got to her side in a few long steps and grabbed her by the wrist. May's body stiffened under his touch, but he didn't let her go until he was sure she wouldn't run away. "May..."

"What?" She snapped without turning around to face him. "What else do you want from me?"

Coulson thought about it for a second. Ever since he had asked her to join him in the bus, he hadn't stopped asking her favors. Be the pilot. Protect the kids. Fight. Be my second in command. Fight. Shoot me in the head. Talk to your ex-husband. Fight. Stay here and fight. Fight, fight, and keep fighting. He knew she seemed to enjoy the field work the way she had once used to, but he had asked her to fight for him so many times… Even May had a limit.

He hated every time her life was in danger, but for a while he had forgotten she was just human. He had been treating her like a normal specialist, like the Cavalry, instead of trying to rebuild the friendship he one day had had with Melinda, his Melinda. His almost inhuman friend that was so much dearer to him than Captain America.

"Nothing" he said. "I can't ask anything else from you” 

"What do you want, Coulson?" Repeated May.

With the wrist he still held in his hand, Coulson turned her around. There were dark circles under her eyes, the lines of her face deeper than he had ever seen them. She didn't seem just fragile, she was exhausted.

"I'm sorry" Coulson shook his head. "I'm so, so sorry..."

"I meant what I said before" she cut him off. "We don't owe each other anything"

Her words stung inside of him, but he didn't let it show. He deserved that and much more.

"I don't care" continued Coulson. "I'm sorry, Melinda. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked you to fight, and meet Andrew and shoot me in the head. I'm sorry I asked you to join me in the bus..."

"Do you regret working with me again?"

"What? No. No, no, of course not" he said. It was late and the words seemed to be stuck inside of his head. But he needed to make this right with her. "May, that's not what I meant. I'm just sorry because after everything we had gone through… I was the worst friend possible in the world for you. I hurt you, I lied to you, and I took you for granted. I pushed you, thinking you would always be here, then you left and I just..." Coulson sighed heavily. "I'm so sorry, Melinda. You are the best friend I've ever had. Nobody knows me like you do, no one has ever done for me all the things you've done. You were there for me every damn time and I... I just let you down"

May just looked at him for a while, surprised to say the least. Coulson wondered if he had screwed up. Maybe he had said too much. Maybe that wasn't what she wanted to hear. However she didn't seem mad, just shocked.

"I had a nightmare" she finally said.

"What?"

"That's why I came looking for you" she confessed. 

"Melinda..." Coulson sighed. His grip moved from her wrist to her hand, and he squeezed it tightly. "I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry too" she said. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry I pushed you away and lied..."

“You have nothing to apologize for” replied Coulson. “I was a total ass”

“Not completely” replied May.

He couldn’t help but smiling. May was quiet, but she had never failed to cheer him up even in the darkest times. She was wrong. She did do comfort when she needed to.  
Coulson reached out a hand to her, cradling her face. “You mean a lot to me too” he whispered. His thumb caressed her cheek gently. “A lot. I should have told you sooner”

“You didn’t…”

“I did” insisted Coulson. Their faces were so close he could feel her warm breathing on his face and count the little gold hints in her beautiful brown eyes. Her eyes had always been his favorite part of her, no matter what happened he was always able to read her by looking into them. “I’m sorry for everything, do you think you can forgive me?”

“I already did” replied May with a warm voice. 

Coulson’s smile widened. She was so beautiful and just a wonderful, wonderful person. He suddenly felt the urge to kiss her. But no. Not now. He had lost his opportunity a long time ago.

So, instead of kissing her, he let go of her face and took a step back.

“So, wanna talk about it?” he asked. May shook her head. “Okay. But it wasn’t real, alright? It was just…”

“But it was” she murmured.

The vulnerability of her eyes made his heart cringe. He couldn’t stay away any longer and held both of her hands now, caressing the back of them with his thumbs. “Bahrain?”

May shook her head. “Your funeral” she confessed, her voice turned into a barely audible whisper.

“What?” His eyes widened. "I had... I had a funeral?"

"Full military honors" nodded May. 

“Oh, Mel” he said. He pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her. He felt her resisting at first, trying to step back, but after a few seconds she gave up and let him hold her, burying her face in the crook of his shoulder. “I had no idea”

“Please don’ t die again” was her quiet answer.

“You know I can’t promise you that”

May sighed, her lower lip trembling. Without words, those had never been really necessary for them, Coulson held her in his arms, one of his hands on her waist to pull her closer and the other on her back. May tucked her head under his chin and closed her eyes.

“You are the most important person to me in the world" he whispered in her hair.

"Don't say thing you don't mean" replied May.

He pulled apart just enough to look at her in the eye. "I mean it, Melinda"

"But Audrey..." she said. "You love her"

"I don't" answered Coulson. His hands slid off her waist and stayed close to his body. He was talking too much and he knew it. Being so close to her made everything worse. "I used to lover her... or at least I think I did, I... I wanted to love her. It was supposed to be easy. I mean, she was smart, pretty and funny but she wasn't... she wasn't..." _you._ He shook his head. "I... Our friendship means too much for me"

"Your friendship with Audrey?"

"My friendship with you" Coulson sighed. "I don't want to mess it up"

"You won't"

"You don't know that"

"You can't mess this up" insisted May with a soft but firm tone. "You can't. I will always be here, Phil"

"I love you" he blurted out. "How about that?"

"You... what?"

"I love you" repeated Coulson. "I love you. No buts. I love you. Always have, always will. I should have told you sooner but I..."

"But what?"

"I didn't want to mess up what we had" he said.

"Had?" asked May, noticing the past tense in his words.

"Did I mess up now?" Replied Coulson. "I'm sorry, May, I know you don't feel the same. It doesn't have to change anything, you won't even..."

Before he could continue, May shortened the distance between them and cradled his face with her hands. She looked at him for a second and then pulled him down to kiss him. Her eyes fluttered shut as she kissed him, her lips soft and sweet over his. Coulson's hands instinctively held her by the waist as she deepened the kiss…

And that’s when he woke up. Coulson looked around, surprised, wondering where May was and why he was sitting in his desk. He had fallen asleep on his desk again. Of course May wasn’t there. Of course May didn’t love him.  
For once he thanked Loki for stabbing him in the heart. That way the feeling in his chest was strangely familiar as he realized it had just been nothing else but a dream.


	2. Back to reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a perfect dream Coulson has to deal with reality. However that's not something so bad sometimes

The base was silent as he made his way to the kitchen. He had tried to sleep, he really had, but every time he closed his eyes all he saw was May's face as she kissed him. It was three am by then, but he knew he wouldn't be able to get any sleep.

He couldn't stop thinking about her. Her silky hair, the twinkle of her eyes, the little smile in her lips when he had said he loved her... Beautiful, strong Melinda May. They had been friends for over thirty years. Since day one they had drawn the lines between them and danced around them for as long as he could remember. Whenever they blurred them things seemed to go south, so why had he started to think about it now? If her vacations had taught him anything was that he needed her more than he would ever dare to admit.

Ironically, with May in every single one of his thoughts, he was still surprised to find her in the kitchen when he walked in. It took his tired brain a while to notice her quiet presence in one of the corners, but when he did she had already seen him and it was too late to run away.

"Hey" said May. She wore the Academy shirt just like in his dream, but she also had on her black leggings and her hair was tied up in a ponytail. In her hands she had a steaming cup of tea. Peppermint, probably. He knew she drank when nightmares or insomnia kept her awake.

"Hey" he forced a smile. "Couldn't sleep?"

May shook her head. There were dark circles under her eyes and her face looked as tired as his probably did, maybe even more. Even so he couldn’t help but admiring how beautiful she was. "You?"

"Same" Coulson just sighed, approaching her side. He stood a little further than he would have usually done, but after the dream he didn't trust himself around her. "Nostalgia, I guess"

"Want to talk about it?"

"I don't think that's a good idea" he answered.

"That's never stopped you before"

"You've always said I talk too much"

"Doesn't mean it bothers me"

He couldn’t help but smiling as a comfortable silence settled between them. Coulson studied her face, but May had her mask on, her eyes fixed on the cup of tea she was holding in her hands. He desperately tried not to think about how those hands had felt while she cradled his face as they kissed.

"Chocolate?" He asked, trying to focus on something else.

"What?" She asked, frowning.

"I just... Do you want some hot chocolate? I was going to make some" said Coulson.

May nodded. "Okay"

He started getting the things he needed from the cabinets and drawers. When he reached for the cacao powder May's hand grabbed his wrist and he almost jumped at the unexpected but soft touch.

"The good stuff, Phillip" said May.

He smiled and she let him go. Without saying anything he opened the drawer where they kept the napkins and after a small search he pulled out a piece of Belgium chocolate.

"Happy?" He asked, rolling his eyes.

May rolled her eyes back, but stayed close to him. She helped in her own silent way, starting the kettle and slicing the chocolate. After she had accidentally (almost) poisoned half of the Strike Team Delta with a 'slightly raw' shrimps, as she had said, Coulson didn't let her touch the food unless it was under his supervision. He couldn't help but smiling when he remembered Fury murmuring something about her cooking skills being even more lethal than her combat ones before rushing into the bathroom. Since that day, whenever they cooked together she would always slice things.

"What?" Asked May, interrupting his daydreams.

"What what?" Replied Coulson.

"You were smiling"

"Oh, yeah... sorry. I was just thinking... Remember the first time I made this for you?" He asked. He knew how much she hated it when someone mentioned the shrimp incident. Even if she wasn't exactly a good cook herself, Natasha always had fun reminding her about it. He wasn't sure if May noticed the lie, for all she did was nod with her eyes still glued to the pot Coulson was mixing. "We broke into the kitchens the night before our exams in our second year" he said. "Hey, remember when you burned the kitchen a year later?"

May rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help but chuckling again. "It was an accident"

Coulson laughed too before silence flooded the room once more. After the chocolate was ready he poured it in two cups and they silently made their way to the common area, where they sat on one of the couches next to each other. They stayed like that for a while. Sipping on their hot chocolate, sharing glances and smiles of complicity every time one of them mentioned a memory of a good day at the Academy or a special mission. Hearing her laugh was even better than his dream. It was warm and natural. Seeing her giggle like that, in the middle of the night with a cup of hot chocolate, made him feel like they were back in the Academy, studying for finals in his room. If he closed his eyes he could see her there, wearing the exact same clothes, but with her hair in a braid and sleepy eyes due to tiredness of a long day of study.

"I'm glad you're back" he suddenly said. "I didn't say it before, but I... It's good to have you back. It's just... It's not the same without you around"

May's expression softened a bit. He could see the glow in her eyes he had missed so much all those years, recently more than ever. "It's good to be back" she said. "Did you think I would come back?"

"I... I wasn't sure" confessed Coulson with a small sigh. "With all what was going on, the way we left things, the way I acted... I'm just saying, I wouldn't have been surprised if you didn't"

May took two long sips of her hot chocolate before answering. "I will always come back"

"Why?"

"I have no idea"

He waited for her to say something else, but when May looked away he didn't push.

"And I'll always be here waiting" was all he said.

"I know" she murmured. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah" he smiled.

"You'd told me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"

"I'm fine" insisted Coulson. "But yes. Of course I would"

May just nodded. Coulson nodded back.

“Melinda…” he started, thinking about her dream.

“Yes?” she asked.

Coulson opened his mouth to reply, but the words seemed stuck inside of him. How could he tell her the truth without risking their friendship? He couldn’t.

“Nothing” he finally said. “You have some chocolate in your lips, that’s all”

May rolled her eyes and licked her bottom lip.

“No” Coulson leaned over here and wiped it away with his thumb. "There"

He thought May would stiff or walk away, but all she did was offering him a small smile.

“Thanks” she murmured.

“You’re welcome” he said.

Half an hour later their chocolate was gone and so where their willing to talk. He waited for her to stand up and tell him it was time to go to sleep, but it seemed like she didn’t want to be the first to leave either. Instead of that, May just closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder. There had been a time when that would have been the most natural thing in the world for them, but after Bahrain she hadn’t really approached her like that until that very moment. Now it was a little awkward, like first time she had done it back at the Academy. However, after a while they both relaxed and stayed there, savoring the company, trying to remember how good it tasted like.

Maybe he couldn't kiss her, and love her, and wake up next to her every morning. Sometimes reality was harsh, but as he watched her falling asleep next to him he thought that there were some nice exceptions. They were still friends. She was still there. And that was enough... right? It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but school is just KILLING me. Anyway thanks for your reviews! They mean a lot to me. A lot. (See what I did there?) Also sorry for my english, it's not my first language so I apologize for my (highly probable) mistakes!

**Author's Note:**

> Should I continue or nah? I wrote this as a one shot but I don't know I have some ideas for another chapter. Your comments mean the world to me so I'd love to see what you think!


End file.
